Paintball, oh how do I compare thee? One billionth as intense as war seems like an insult to war. It’s a gathering of men, although there were some girls this time, shooting circular projections at each other. Firepower may vary.
A group of friends decided to play paintball about a month ago. Most of us had never played. I had, but it was so long ago that Bill Clinton was President. I don’t recall a lot of strategy and I think that we left pretty quickly. It seemed less fun than it was. Because those circular pellets really hurt.
We drove to Lithonia, which was a simple shack where we signed up and got our gear, and to the right there were a series of fields to play on. Some had you hide behind inflatables, and others had you hide behind wooden structures. There was a big field where they played something called “City Game”. We weren’t ready for that right away.
Some of my friends were able to keep their glasses on with the goggles, but I was not. I wear my glasses about 100% of the time, so not wearing them is a bit like being drunk. I eventually cleared up enough to see blobs that I shot at.
Here’s the setup. You get a set of goggles and mask, a gun, and insults for team you cheer for by the guy working there. He didn’t like my Titans shirt.
The gun is rifle-esque, with a neon orange barrel stopper that probably wouldn’t stop a paint pellet if it were in there. It had a hopper on top for the paint balls and a CO2 canister on back to make them go fast when you pull the trigger.
I thought it was perfect that the first yellow-shirted ref that approached our group had a Hulk Hogan mustache. He told us the rules, which were simple. On the short field games, everyone lines up on opposite sides and when the refs yells to start, you start. When you get hit, you lift your gun and go back to the net to wait for the game to end. The game ends when one team is out of players.
I was not prepared for the first game. I took three steps and got hit in the arm. For the first few times I was running too high and not able to aim worth a damn. I wondered if I was going to hit anyone all day. Plus those damn pellets hurt. I took one in the inner thigh, which might have been the toughest one all day.
Eventually I got the kill. I had a head shot that exploded with paint, and looked pretty cool. I got the final kill on one game when I flanked the remaining guy. Hey, those history books are right, flanking works.
The toughest game of the day was the City Game. This was the largest field on the lot and included broken down cars, two-story wooden structures, and various small places to hide behind. The first game was just one side versus the other, and the kids with the automatic paint guns were leading the charge. I didn’t know what to expect and stayed back. Our team won but I stayed far from the front and barely dodged a pellet. Later in the day we returned, and the rules were different. There were two sides, and our group was the majority of one (first bad sign). In this game if you were hit, you had to go back to your “base” and continue. The game ended when you ran out of pellets. Getting hit hurts, but multiple hits really makes you wonder. There was a delayed start and I followed one of the professional looking guys flanking to the left. As we got to the first building, a barrage of bullets took me out. I was hit at least four times and as I went to the ground, my hopper opened and most of my pellets rolled out. Screw it, I thought. I’m out. I was the first to leave the game.
Yeah, so my white Titans shirt wasn’t the best choice. As you can see, it looked like a modern-art masterpiece by the end of the day. We finished the day and used most of our remaining pellets one a 3-3 game. By the end I was good at finding my spot and taking guys out. We ended the day with a one on five because the one had his own paintball company and was the mayor of Avondale. I got the flank and took him out, which was a good finish.
We sat in the shade and drank a beer to end the day. I came home and showed off my wounds. Chicks may dig scars, but the jury’s out on paintball welts.
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